Who Am I: The Dark side and anxiety issues of Me

 So right now Uni's actually been pretty good!
 It started off kinda crappy, then soon after, having met new people through current friends, and joining societies (which I'm super damn lovin'), I can say I'm gonna like this freedom :)

 BUUUT THE STORY DON'T END THERE PEOPLE.

As you can read from the title, my new Uni self, is having trouble letting go of its old home self. And that's a bad thing. I mean I was fine before I started Uni, when I say it's hard letting go of my old self, I mean the bad personality side of it.

 It's like having a creepy scar on your belly area which looks like a murderer and then girls who see it get creeped out too much for you to hook up with, and you really wish you could get rid of it but you can't because it's a damn scar on your belly button FO' LIFE.

 I mean being honest from the heart and from what people have told me, I'm a really good friend, super polite and kind to like anyone I meet. I try my hardest to make people feel comfortable around me, I give 'em smiles and I really think I'd make a caring father and loving husband.

 But there's always an issue I never thought would be a problem which was always there, and if you can't guess it from the title well I suggest you read it again.... Incase you haven't figured it out yet it's anxiety.

 I mean it's a crappy feeling and I know loads of you have felt it before. It's a feeling of worriment and uncomfortability in situations that you shouldn't really be worried in. Social anxiety is the worst because it makes it really hard to interact with others, a key feature in us humans as a species, we're very social creatures and unless you like your own company and really don't like people (which is really fair enough), you're gonna have a hard time if you want to socialise but have the anxiety.

 During freshers' week I remember being in my room all nervous and scared to interact with people. This made me feel crappy because I knew that was the whole point of University, to meet new people. So I just forced myself to go out and meet others and because I did that I managed to join all the clubs I have joined and make awesome friends in my life.

 But even with all this awesome stuff, the anxiety kicks in.
 I'd be with another person alone hanging out and I'd just force a convo out which is not how it should be done. Like whenever there was silence for like a minute while we were together, my head would be all "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A LAME PERSON. OMG. SAY SOMETHING." And then I'd say something completely retarded and sound just lame and uncool and merhhHRhehrehrh.

 It's even more of a worry with a girl around because other stuff factors in like
"WHY ARE YOU SUCH A LAME PERSON. OMG. SAY SOMETHING. YOU WANNA BE AN AMAZING BOYFRIEND/HUSBAND LIKE THIS?!" even if I have no interest in the girl! It's just because I want to prove to myself I can make a girl smile and happy around so that I trust myself I can make MY future girl happy like that. Wow. I just realised something deep about myself. Lol. 
Plus I'm a hopeless romantic kinda guy so I fall for girls easy especially when they make it harder because I realise how cool they are. BUUUUUUUUUT that's a story for another day... hahaa.

 So as I've lived my life I can tell what universally makes people feel crappy and what doesn't. Complimenting: Happy. 
Insulting: Crappy. 
Comforting: Happy.
Tossing the cake they made for you on the floor and saying it tastes like shit: Crappy.
We all know these things.

 Something I figured out also is part of my "make people feel good about themselves" policy, where you have to compliment someone and tell them from the heart how good a person they are. If they're actually a shitty person, welllllll then I wouldn't be talking to them lol.
 What it was I figured out is that people don't like it when they feel inferior to another. People like to be unique, be happy with themselves, have their own personality. Be loved by one and to love another. Be treated like an equal etc etc.

 What is interesting is perhaps when you are with a person of an opposite gender.
 You hang out and let's say they're majority girls and you're a guy (You're not gay btw).
 A pretty attractive guy walks past and the girls swooooooon like hell when he walks past and awe at his superior masculine outlook and obvious ability to get any female he wants. What does that make you feel. Damn straight. It makes you feel crappy. You aren't as good as him. He has much better qualities from what it seems. That girl you had a crush on is also in this group of girls and you now feel even crappier because of that fact. You're not a competition to other guys, you're the dirt under their feet.
 And you laugh it off or just stand there awkwardly until they're done. 

 Now this probably won't happen to you, but it may not even with a group of girls, maybe with 2 others, or just even one. But as I grew up knowing that's not how I wanted to be treated, I tried not to treat other girls in that way. So say a girl walked past and she was pretty damn attractive, there's no way in hell I'd make the girl I'm with feel inferior to her. If she was just a friend or even a girl I had a crush on idc, my goal is to make em happier and avoid this inferiority, because who knows, she might have anxiety and self confidence issues like me, and I know I wouldn't wanna feel like that.

 Another issue with me is probably my darker side that barely anyone really knows. I'm a really envious kinda guy, I don't ever show it, but I seethe inside and just feel shitier if I think about 'not being good enough', which happens SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many times. I'd see one thing, then overthink it to a point where I put myself down and it really isn't good for my health. I'd see a guy cooler than me and get kinda annoyed because I'm not like that. I'm not as an attractive guy as him, or him. I don't even know if I'm good looking, I've never been told such a thing. So it makes me feel bad in a sense that if the girl I wanted ever showed up, I wouldn't be good enough for her. That's a big issue for me, even if it never happened yet.
I'm a super paranoid, envious kinda guy, who has anger issues which NO ONE knows about! LOL. Maybe only my close family. But I do.

 So one of my best buds who's a girl and I are sitting at a table eating fried chicken and burgers, you know, as college students do. She texts like ALOT, which used to be seriously annoying because I had a crush on her at one point ahemahemignoreignoreignore, and whenever she texted people when we hung out it used to go back to that 'am I good enough' kinda feel, which I don't blame her for, she's super cute and gets loads of attention. Daaamn you attractive qualities!!
It would be super awkward if she was reading this... Hopefully she got bored a few paragraphs in and didn't read this bit. If you're still reading this.. LOL. Love you guuurl!
But anywho, it was ok now she texted others because we're just best buds now. Those feelings of "HEY MAN SHE'S TEXTING OTHER GUYS WHILE YOU HANG OUT COZ YOU SUCK" were hardly there anymore.

 But as she talks to this one guy (who we all feel is most likely gay anyway) she utterances the words "He's the sweetest guy I've probably ever met."
WOAHHH. HOLD THE PHONE.

 During my late adolescence self, whenever I did start to feel down I'd just think about my friends and what they told me, and about what kinda guy I was. To make myself feel better about all these guys who were better than me, I'd just remember the right girl would like my qualities and those qualities made the true me. I always had to remind myself what kinda guy I was. I was a kind guy, I did all I could to be nice to people. Sure I'm a nice guy. I always wanted to be super romantic to my future girl. All these personality words were in my head, describing ME. I may not be this, but I am this. And I do this. I even thought I was sweet.
Hearing her say that kinda made my dark side come out a bit. 
"Hey man, you're not who you thought you were LOL. She said the sweetest she's EVER met. Lol you suck."

Stupid eFfing dark Me...

I mean whatever right? Maybe I was just being a little bitch about it. But GIRL. We hung out all the time and I tried being super sweet to you because you deserved to feel like that. And apparently I'm not at all what I tried to be nor seemed like ever will be because I just got cussed down at the damn table!

But the worst part is, now if I wanna be sweet to her, I can't. It's like the only reason I wanna be sweet is to get that sweet title back.

Let's say someone you knew was stuck under a wall of thick ice and they were about to drown. You had a sledgehammer right there and you were like "SNAP, I GOTTA SAVE YOU", but like a split second before you even saw them stuck there a guy shouted at you "HEY, I'D GIVE YOU A MILLION UNITS OF YOUR COUNTRY'S CURRENCY TO SAVE THAT PERSON!"
 Your heart may tell you to save that person, and that may be what you wanna do, but that thought still comes to your head, I know why I'm doing this, but does this other factor influence me in any way?

Right now them I don't even know what kinda guy I am. I thought I was super sweet, but apparently not. My jealousy, envy and self-consciousness is making me into a worse person, and those are unlikable traits.
You my readers now know my dark secrets. I am a very envious person.

 Sure she might have not meant it that seriously, or he might have actually been sweeter, but still I wanted to be this dream guy. A sweetheart who made others smile and was super confident at what he wanted to do. All these dream traits come under attack when I'm stuck in these kinda dilemmas. I forgive you if you didn't expect me to feel crappy after that comment, or I'm sorry if you think I'm being overdramatic about it all.
But these small things get into my head and loop until I feel crappy. I just like having a bit of reinforcement for my own personality. The guy I am. I want some recognition. That's the one.

Recognition.

I mean I didn't ever think I was the cool guy here. Or the talented guy there. Or the funny guy here. Or the sweet guy there. But I thought I knew who I was. And it would be nice to hear who I am from another, especially a best bud. If you're reading this then please pretend you never did because I don't want no special treatment. And if you do give me special treatment coz you read this but aren't doing it because you read this then WELLLLLLLLLLL. Relates back to that paragraph about the icewall and £million right??

I kidded around after she said that like "oh, I see how it is", but she did say something back to me, which I didn't really hear because my heart was too sunken to hear properly (yes, I'm being serious LOL). But if you said you were giving that sweet title to me, I thank you. But still. This whole post has really just been me dealing with this envy I have.

I mean sure I may not get recognition, but when I do, it really makes me feel amazing.
I went clubbing with a few friends and for the first time a guy from my new social circle, and he told me he was happy to have me there as I made it more enjoyable.
THAT SHIT MADE ME GLEE LIKE HELL.
I DON'T CARE HOW QUEER I SOUND.
I felt some care for me. I felt like I was shown recognition for my personality.

Another time during exams in my sixth form, there was a guy I knew outside the school just sitting there on a step of the quiet, careless road, drinking some beer during school times. I hopped outta school and asked him if he was ok. He said he was really down because he was failing and didn't know what to do with his life. I sat there with him and tried to make him feel better, giving him a speech on life taking you to a place you have no IDEA. And told him to cheer up. He smiled and went back into school.

A week later while I was rehearsing for a play, he walked into the hallway and just gave me a massive hug. I was so happy just then and he said "Thank you". I was kinda confused as to what just happened (because it was like a week after) and asked him if he felt better than before and how things were. He replied "that's why I said thank you". I love seeing other people happy, and when they thank me for it, it makes me feel an emotion which is so amazing, so satisfying, I would give the world for.
Was it gratitude? Maybe recognition?

It's moments like this that make me feel better whenever I feel low, because I know I can help people, and make them feel better.
It's just that then. I understand now.. This is what combats the anxiety I feel from time to time.
Just hearing that simple:
Thank You. 
For existing. :)

I'm sorry if you read this, girl on the table who said I wasn't sweet, and thought I sounded like a moron, which looking back on this I probably was.. lol.. Or I'm sorry if I made you feel bad for me feeling bad. But it's all ok, because I kinda understand myself a bit more now..

Sure I may not be known as the "coolest", or "funniest" or even "sweetest" compared to others. But it's ok because I just have to be what I want to be. If I want to be coolest, or funniest or sweetest, I just have to do it. And maybe from time to time I may get a "thank you".

And those times I do, it would mean the world to me. 
:)

P.S. to my best bud if you read this: I'm super tired right now at like 4am, so I'm a bit cranky. Plus I held onto that little moment of envy at the table because I wanted to write about it. lol
Love you! ♥ By the time you read this and probably bring it up (if you ever do) I would have probably forgot I wrote this.

P.S.S. to Future Me: quit being a lil' bitch that takes everything to literally. LOL. FOO'.